How to be a robot: A guide to applying for teaching jobs

As a tween looking to find a job for the first time, it was always beaten into my head that in order to be successful at obtaining employment, you MUST:

1. Apply in person (and dress nicely, don't walk in looking like you rolled out of bed for christ's sake)

2. Bring ample resumes

3. Always, ALWAYS call them back or re-visit within a week to see if the position is still open, if they've reviewed your papers, kiss ass, etc.

Now I know as a bright eyed, bushy tailed 15 year old I did just that. I also know that I've always been much more mature than other people my age who scoffed at the idea of working at all let alone making themselves presentable. You were supposed to take the time to show these potential employers that you are dedicated and responsible. Showing up at the place with a resume in hand is infinitely better than applying online or calling.

Right?

Fast forward to college. I walk in to Holiday Inn trying to find an evening job to help pay rent, bills, tuition, etc. I put on my best "hire me, I'm amazeballs" outfit, resume in hand, and walk into their lobby. I am then quickly told that in order to get hired, I must go online and fill out the application that way. If we want you, we will call you. Do NOT call us.

I am shocked.

Seriously? Don't call? But I got all dressed up... but can I just speak with the manager and leave thi.... no? okay.

Fast forward to graduation, teaching application time! It's daunting, the idea that I have to have a cover letter, a whole portfolio of information about me to apply for a job. And I start browsing the websites to see what openings there are in the districts around me after I attend the career fair (and dress up, I might add). 

This is when my whole world view became warped. Because damn near EVERY SINGLE DISTRICT within a 100 mile radius told me one thing: Go to applitrack, fill out our lengthy online application, upload all your papers, click the position you're interested in, and submit. DO NOT mail us your resume. DO NOT walk in to our administration office. DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT CALL US. If you're worthy, we will call you.

What. The. Fuck.

Now there are still some apparently nostalgic districts and schools that do not abide by this ridiculous notion (including my high school alma mater, thank you very much). But the ones that would actually like to see you come in with a paper packet of your information is still extremely hard to come by.

To me, this is a travesty. I understand that many of these places get hundreds of applicants, especially for music jobs like I need. But to completely cut off the human experience? To make you "take a number" like you're in line at the DMV? To not even be able to give a real first impression aside from the same bullshit that everyone puts on their resume? The questionnaire that everyone knows how to fill out? 

What happened to good old fashioned human connections?

My first job (as most people know) teaching was because I was hired over the phone. However, the one detail that many people DON'T know is this- 2 months prior to that phone interview, I went to WMU's career fair and DRESSED UP and BROUGHT MY RESUME and INTERVIEWED with the district heads of said school in Arizona. 

THAT made a lasting impression on them, THAT is why I was called, interviewed again, and moved out to AZ within two weeks. Not because I went online and typed in what everyone knows they wanted to hear.

When I moved back, I interviewed with a district south of me. The job was perfect, absolutely perfect for me. Elementary music. I had applied online of course, and they called me. But THEY CALLED ME, not emailed me. And I interviewed. A couple days later, I received another call from the woman I interviewed with and she told me how wonderful I was, how amazing of a fit I'd be, but there was just one other person with more experience that they went with. I could tell it was actually a hard decision for them and a hard call for her to make to me. I cried and cried after that. But, I appreciated the fact that she took the time, at 8 oclock at night, to talk to me and offer the news.

Let's go to my latest failure of job apps, because it's what spurred this blog entry.

I go online, searching just in case someone needs a music teacher halfway through the year. One comes up for a school north of me. I do the online bullshit again, same exact application as the 200 other districts I've applied for. Tweaked a couple things. Done.

A couple days later, I get an automated email from the website saying I'm being invited to interview, please  check the website for 15 minute intervals and sign up for a time slot. This is where you go, etc. I find this odd, but I do it, I sign up for my time slot. But I'm SCREAMING inside. I didn't get a call, not even a PERSONAL email from the district, but an automated letter saying to pick a time slot. 

Then the mother of all ice storms hit, and my drive in the morning is brutal. I call an hour ahead to let them know I will be late, the lady is great and I finally make it 10 minutes past my time. They swapped me with someone else, no biggie.

I go in, and interview with 3 or 4 male administrators (it's a blur now). I am desperately nervous. I NEED this job, I WANT this job. This is my FIRST time meeting or seeing any of them, I have only 15 minutes to convince them that even though I haven't had a damn job in 3 years that I'm qualified to fill this position, and I've just had the drive from hell that took 2 hours. I was nervous- and you know me, I'm chatty fucking cathy when I"m nervous. I try to reign myself in, I'm giving good answers but talking TOO MUCH. HEATHER SHUT UP. And then I see it- the exasperated sigh from the principal. 

Many of you will tell me not to look into it, it probably wasn't directed at you (he WAS looking out into the lobby at the time). But I know I was sighing at myself in my head, and I have no doubt he was sighing at me as well. But that just froze me in my tracks. Really? You couldn't hold it in? I'm like a goddamn deer in headlights.

Interview is finally over, I leave, make my way back home. We will contact you in a couple days, we need to move quickly, etc.

A week and a half goes by, and I get another automated email.

"The position you have applied for has been filled." Other bs, other bs, blah blah. Do NOT RESPOND this is automated.

My professors always told me that even though it can be painful, to ask them when they call you what you could do better. How can I do that when all I get is "take a number"? How am I supposed to improve myself for future applications and jobs if I'm not allowed to speak to anyone?

How are you going to get excellent educators through an assembly line for your students? You may as well hire a damn robot.

Yes, I'm upset that I don't have a teaching job right now, as many of my fellow colleagues from school. But I'm more upset at the fact that I don't think these schools are giving us a fighting chance. I AM grateful that I got asked for an interview, albeit automated, when others did not. But it's slipping farther and farther away as time goes by. 

My advice for teenagers today? STILL put your best foot forward and walk through that damned door like you mean it, no matter what society says.